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Used to Love

love cycle

At some point we have had that “one” person. The one, no matter what you do. No matter what you say. How long you try to ignore them. Maybe even block them out your life for certain periods of time, you always seem right back with them.

Regardless of how many times you tell your girls’ “I’m done with him for real, for real this time”. While you get the eye rolls and “yeah ok girl”. But deep down you know you aren’t done.

This is known as “used to love”. Think of it as a security blanket, a comfort zone. Like the safe zone in the game of hide n seek. It’s safe and easy, you already know what to expect. Plus it may feel as if this person “knows” you. You may be struggling in the dating scene. Can’t seem to catch a vibe or keep running into people who aren’t simply worth your time or energy. So why not go running back to what you know? Stop with familiar and go with the unknown. Take that leap of faith. You got it! Trust me.

The unknown can seem scary and frustrating. Though that doesn’t mean you settle for “ok” love. From someone who has shown you time and time again who they really are. If they haven’t changed over all this time, why compromise yourself? Why break your peace of mind. My great-grandmother always told me, “if it is easy, you don’t want it and it’s not worth having”.

It’s okay to be by yourself. Take that time, to get happy within. Why go through the never ending cycle of happiness for a moment in time, to be right back at square one; ALONE. Wait it out, take your time. Your person will run right into you when you least expect it.

So remember, do you, sis! Nobody can bring you happiness when you’re not happy within first!

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Welcome!

This is the post excerpt.

Hi sis!! So, this is my very first blog. I wanted to create something that I could reach other young women who just need motivation in life. Ranging from anything life, love, work and etc. I love to encourage others. I hope that you ladies enjoy!post

Loneliness is dangerous! 


Hey sis! Are you living the single life? Are you over the single life? Are you up late at night just thinking about the past? The things you could’ve did, the things you could’ve changed? Even considering taking that “old thang” back? All I can say is please move cautiously.
Often times when we are single we go through phases. One phase, we can title this freedom. You may have just gotten out of a long relationship or a short relationship. It could’ve ended mutually or disastrously. But when it ended, it was like a weight lifted off your shoulders. You have the momentum now of I can conquer the world or climb a mountain. That, I need a new start let me cut my hair off freedom! Nothing can stop you! You’re just out enjoying life with no worries, no care because you can breathe again. 
Then there’s another phase let’s call this value. This is when we start reevaluating our previous relationship. In terms of where did it go wrong, how we could’ve went about it differently or what do I need to work on. We try to take this time to ourselves so that we can be more ready for the next person. This phase is very ideal but some of us may not really reach this point yet or ever make it for that matter. Leading us into a totally different phase.
This dangerous phase is loneliness. Where we are tired of not getting good morning texts, late night conversations or someone that we can go out with on a consistent basis. So, it comes to the point of desperation and willing to settle for anything. Just to have a warm body to lay under. It’s like you’re wearing rose colored glasses to change your current reality to something that we see in the movies or social media. You know this person has caused you nothing but pain and hurt but you find yourself right back with them so you don’t have to be alone. Even though they may be only giving you a piece of them while your trying to give them all of you. Or, you could be settling for any man that approaches you and gives you the slightest attention. Without even taking the time to see if he really deserves the attention back. Therefore, due to driving by all the stop signs and running red lights. You find yourself right back at lonely. 

Sis, you are worth way more than that. Remember your value. At all times you need to be given what your worth is, in every way possible. It’s ok to be by yourself. Take the time to get to know you, your wants and needs. Also, learning what you truly have to offer. Most importantly sis, you have to love yourself first before you could ever love anyone else. Always remember your crown never comes off regardless of status. 

Purpose


Hey sis! What drives you and motivates you to keep going? What makes you wake up and go to sleep content at night? Have you found your purpose, or still trying to figure it out? 
I’ve known for while what my purpose was, well is for that matter. Though it took me 26 years to fully accept and come to terms with it. Let me share for those who are still seeking. Since I was young I just loved helping people, making people feel better about themselves. For the past couple of years I felt empty. Though, I was finally working in my career field that I’ve always dreamed about and doing my thing as a young professional black woman. You would think that was it, I made it. Nope! I didn’t have that feeling. Like an itch, that I couldn’t scratch. So annoying. Don’t get me wrong, I love my career and I love helping my clients learn how to communicate and eat. But it just wasn’t enough. 

Until one day, I had a self talk with myself. Reaching a point of, what really inspires me and motivates me. Which is writing and providing motivation to others. I truly believe my purpose is to motivate and encourage others especially young women. I literally attract people who just need help, advice on the daily. Like all I can say is hello and I’m getting a total life story. Seriously, I can be sitting at park and just having a basic conversation and it turns into something much deeper. My great-grandmother always would tell me I had a calming spirit, that makes others feel at ease. At first, it use to be a lot for me to handle, though once I’ve learned to balance and stop running. I finally felt peace within, knowing that I have impacted one person.

When you have truly figured out what your purpose is. It brings a whole new meaning to life. It fulfills and consumes you. You feel better it gives you a clearer perspective. So sis, if you are still at a crossroad, take some time and make a list. Even if you have to try out a couple of different things. Please, whatever you do, don’t settle! As always, do you sis! 

Boundaries


With this reality tv already being a hot mess, causing people to suffer from distinguish what is real and what is false now a days. It has reached an all time low with “Real Sidechicks of Charlotte”. Woah, skrrrrrrrt, that’s where we are in society?!?
Hey sis and bro! Yes, fellas this is another one for you too. Today, it feels like being exclusive with one person now a days is rare. Especially with temptation so accessible through social media. If, you are an adult, not dating with a purpose, my friend, you are being selfish and wasting someone’s time. Just continue to be single and do your own thing. No wonder so many people are hurt these days. 

By engaging and entertaining another person, you are crossing the line of respect for your relationship. When two people come together in a relationship, they enter to build and grow with one another. How do you expect to grow if you’re with someone while giving yourself to others? It could be so simple as texting another man or woman that you know feels some type a way for you. Cheating isn’t just physical, it comes in many different forms. Before doing something, think how would you react if your partner did it to you. 

Now sis, let’s switch gears a little bit. Since when did being a side chick become a “norm”? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the justification; “no, he is OUR man!” Do you not feel that you deserve for one man to love just you and only you? Remember, you are a Queen and your King will never devalue you and treat you like a peasant that only gets him part time! Don’t lower your values or standards to accept your man having a side piece so you can stay together. If he truly loves you and treasures what you two have built he will give it all up, so that he won’t lose you. 

Remember, sis and bro, there are boundaries that should not be crossed especially if you value the one you’re with. So, take your time and make sure it’s right before giving someone a title of value! 

Ditch your girls! 


You met him. You two click, it’s a great vibe. It seems like you have known him your entire life. He gives you butterflies. You want to spend every spare moment with him, to make up for all the time you’ve been just simply waiting on this feeling. He even has you dodging your girls and making up excuses of why you can’t hang out.Wait, what?!?
I get it, I’ve been there sis! You are trying to establish this potential of happily ever after. Listen, sis if this man is truly for you. He will get it and he will wait. You don’t want to become the friend that only hits up her girls to finally hang because you’re mad at your man, or this is the 3rd night this week he has left you at home while he is hanging out with his boys. What sense does it make to be at home alone doing absolutely nothing, while he is out having fun?
I believe that it’s possibly embedded in women’s DNA to constantly prove to a man that we have his back no matter what. Even, if that includes losing part of ourselves to prove our loyalty to him. So loyal to the fact, that we forget about ourselves. Remember you had your own thing going on before you two met and likewise for him. With any successful relationship comes balance and maintenance.
So, sis it’s okay to be away from your man for a couple of hours to get that quality girl time in. The heart grows’ fonder with some time apart. Don’t get so caught up in life and your relationship. That you forget about the ones that been down way before he came around. 

Don’t box me in! 


Hey sis, so today this piece isn’t just for you, it’s for the men too (hey bro!). How many times have you seen posts with “women ain’t nothing but hoes and tricks and all men are dogs”. (Hi mom!) 

Let’s stop this right here. When will you stop letting one person represent an entire group? My friend, you have some soul searching and healing that you need to reach first. Before you can ever have a successful relationship with the opposite gender or same gender, whatever you rock with. 

It’s going to end before it can ever begin because of your negative connotation to all men or women. 

As soon as it’s vice versa and someone tries to label you for one persons’ mistake. I guarantee you will be the first one fussing, cursing and trying to defend yourself for a misrepresentation. Simply due to one persons’ horrible experience. 

So many relationships fail now a days due to bringing negative energy into the next. Not fully healing from the past one and trying to recover by adding some one new into the equation. Like covering a scratch that’s not bleeding with countless bandaids instead of letting it get some fresh air. You must take time for yourself. Figure out why the relationship didn’t work, what you do want, expect, need and to prepare yourself in every possible way. So, when your person does find you or you find them you’re ready for them. Without all the extra baggage.

A person will always show you who they really are at some point. Everything isn’t going to be butterflies, smiley faces and sunshine. Don’t get blinded by what you may assume as love. That you end up missing the red flags and warning signs. Then 6 months later you don’t understand why they did you so wrong. Thus, have you feeling that everyone else is the same. In return you just hurt back, so someone else can take the pain and burden from you. You will end up stuck in an never ending cycle. Who wants to be 50 years old screaming in the club, “men ain’t nothing but dogs or women just want me for my money”. Grow up and heal! 

So, sis and bro take some time to remove the negativity from your life. Prepare your heart for the love that you deserve!

Found 

Hey sis! Let’s get a little deep this week. It has been weighing on me to share a small part of my story. There has been plenty of times where I was lost. Stuck at crossroad not knowing which direction to take. Not knowing if I really truly had anyone in my corner. I know we all will get to that point in life, you may be there now. Just know that you are not alone.

 

I use to get to the point I would just shut down and push the people closest to me away. With no explanation or real reason.
Around graduate school, I was on my own for real, for real for the first time. Living in a different state, no family and no friends to run too. It was my moment and time to get my ish together. I had reached a very dark place, though it didn’t show through my physical appearance. I was depressed, lonely and angry. I wasn’t happy when I looked in the mirror, I hated the women I had become. Daily I would do self-reflections. Taking time to figure out points in my life that so called broke or brought me down. Putting missing pieces together or coming to terms with various situations.

 

You cannot harvest on the past or it will continue to contaminate your present and future. Do what you have to do to release the anger, hurt, disappointment and regret. Rather it be praying, breaking things, screaming, crying or simply writing it out As long as you get it out. Once you have let it out, leave it there, don’t look back. Most of all build a support system, people you trust. Where you all can motivate and push each other to be greater.

 

Take time for yourself. Figure out who you are. Your purpose, what drives you. What feeds your soul. When you have found yourself, your life will take a turn in a more positive direction. You will start to look at things differently, react differently and move differently.

So, sis take time to find you!